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I’m going to get down and dirty here and reveal a deep secret. I have this irrational fear of dying, of the end of the world, of nothingness, and getting old. When I say irrational, I mean it. It sends me into panic attacks when I start thinking about it, and watching the news and reading the paper certainly doesn’t help.

I don’t know where this fear came from, I don’t know why it persists. My father told me he was like this when he was younger, but it passed. I wish I knew his secret because this is getting ri-goddamn-diculous. I was driving home last night, very sleepy, and for some reason, the end of the world, the blackness that would encompass the Earth, and everything else that would come along with it, filled my head like a poison. I couldn’t breath, I couldn’t think, I thought I might black out. WHY? Nothing in particular brought it up. In fact at the time I was listening to Everybody by Ingrid Michaelson. I was calm, I was happy, and I was looking forward to getting back to my parents’ house to curl up and go to sleep. When all of the sudden, I looked out the window at the vast blackness that was the night in the Black Hills, and panicked.

I read an article this morning about a haze covering a Chinese city and how no one knows what it is. In actuality, it’s probably just because China has industrially poisoned itself, but the Chinese government told their people it was just a fire gone wrong. <insert sarcasm> Which totally makes sense why: #1 the haze is still lingering and #2 they told everyone to stay indoors, wear masks, and not use their air conditioning. <end sarcasm> My opinion is that their government didn’t want to admit that they screwed up, and I wouldn’t put it past our own government to do the same if something like that happened here. Either that or they’d make a huge deal out of it and it’d become a bigger panic that what’s necessary. Especially since there’s a LOT of shit we don’t know about, like Area 51 for example, but don’t get me started on that conspiracy quite yet.

Personally, I think that the government is airing all these stories about death and destruction and making a bigger deal out of it than it already is to keep us on our toes. To keep us scared of impending doom. They want to keep us involved and frightened to the extent that when things actually do go wrong, we forget the power we have and think “They did warn us. They knew all along and we wouldn’t listen.” Perhaps it’s too far fetched to think that, but it’s a thought that crossed my mind.

The truth is, we’re self destructing, and that scares me about just as much. We have such potential as a race, but we’re throwing it all away by taking the easy way out of everything. We’re evolving before we’re ready to understand how to use what’s been given to us. We’re greedy, self-righteous, and feel entitled to everything. We do things that we KNOW are hurting our environment, but don’t care. We recycle, but drive around Hummers. We defeat our own purpose. The reason this all scares me just as much as my irrational fear of death, is because we could go so far. We could do so much if we would just get our heads out of our asses and look at what we’re doing to ourselves and each other.

A very tiny part of me semi-maybe believes this might be it, but a much, much larger part of me thinks it’s crap. I had mentioned in an earlier blog that we’re entirely too reliant on technology. That there are many people that would probably say their lives would be over if the internet went down. BUT WHY? We do have lives outside of the internet. People survived long before cell phones, internet, and the industrial revolution, and I can bet we were a whole lot less paranoid.

So why now? Why is it that this day and age, when we know the things we’re doing are hurting us, do we feel the need to keep going? Why can’t we just stop? Why can’t we just step back and wait before we go any further before we destroy ourselves even more? Maybe it’s too late, but I really wish it wasn’t. I still have too much living to do.