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So today is the birthday of one of my friends. I brainstormed with another friend and found a recipe for a chocolate cake with peanut butter frosting.

Here’s the cake recipe:

1/2 cup butter, softened
1-1/4 cup sugar
4 eggs
1 tsp vanilla extract
1-1/4 cups all-purpose flour
1/3 cup baking cocoa
3/4 tsp baking soda
1/4 tsp salt
1-1/2 cups chocolate syrup
1/2 cup water

In a large mixing bowl, cream butter and sugar until light and fluffy. Add eggs, one at a time, beating well after each addition. Beat in vanilla. Combine the flour, cocoa, baking soda, and salt; add to creamed mixture alternately with chocolate syrup and water. Beat until combined.

Pour into two greased and floured 9-in. round baking pans. Bake at 350 degrees for 30-35 minutes or until a toothpick inserted near the center comes out clean. Cool for 10 minutes before removing from pans to wire racks to cool completely.

Here’s the recipe for the frosting:

2 cups creamy peanut butter
4 cups powdered sugar
1 cup plus 2 tbsp unsalted butter, at room temperature
1 tbsp plus 1 1/2 tsp pure vanilla extract
3/4 tsp Kosher salt
1/2 cup heavy whipping cream

Cream together butter and peanut butter. Add powdered sugar slowly and mix on low speed. Add salt, vanilla, and whipping cream.

Okay so now…HOW TO FUCK UP TWO PERFECTLY SIMPLE RECIPES

1. Prepare the batter as directed. Taste test (because that’s what you do) and find an eggshell. Dig it out and spend 10-15 more minutes stirring the batter to make sure you didn’t miss any other ones.

2. Separate batter into two round cake pans and see a pile of spilled flour mixture on the counter. Realize it’s a big enough pile of flour, baking soda, cocoa, and salt that it could make a difference in how the cake turns out. Your counter is clean so scoop that shit up and separate it into the two cake pans and stir it into the batter.

3. Put the pans in the oven only to realize that you didn’t flour the pans.

4. Freak out for 33 minutes until the oven beeps. Take the pans out of the oven, and run a knife along the edge of the pan and feel okay about how easily they came off the sides.

5. Get really pissed off when you flip the pan upside down and the first cake comes half out of the pan and the other half stays in the pan.

6. Start screaming cuss words when you flip the other pan upside down and the edge of the other cake stays in the pan while the rest falls out.

7. Tell yourself it’s your fault because you took them out too soon, and you didn’t flour the pan, open a beer say “Fuck this fucking shit cake” and go have a cigarette.

8. Give yourself some time away to let the cakes cool (but mostly so you don’t throw them away) and go run some errands. When you come back, start the frosting.

9. Realize your whipping cream is bad, almost vomit at the smell, yell “mother fucker” really loud, and gag while dumping it down the drain.

10. Substitute the whipping cream for milk and compensate by adding more powdered sugar, meanwhile not being entirely certain if that’s actually going to help.

11. Stare longingly at the piece of shit sitting on the plate and pray to god the half-assed attempt at frosting doesn’t make the cake break apart more, but instead hope that it holds it together.

12. Feel a little satisfied that the frosting spread relatively easy and retrieve the other layer for the cake. Flip the whole thing over, but when you lift the plate off the cake, obviously, fucking comes with it. Retrieve your frosting spatula and pray to God that the cake will come off of the plate without breaking more. It does…chill the fuck out and carry on.

13. Throw some frosting on the top and spread that deliciousness around. Since that worked out pretty well, start spreading that shit on the sides. Since you’re not a cake decorator, it’s not going to look pretty no matter how much frosting you put on there.

14. Jesus! Did you not hear me? You’re not a cake decorator! Quick trying to do fancy shit you’re just going to fuck it up! SERIOUSLY! STOP! STOP!!!!!

15. Add more frosting to cover up your mistakes. Add twice as much on the spot where the cake broke apart and hope it looks even.

16. OMG! Did you not hear me the first fucking time!? Quit trying that professional shit you saw on Pinterest, smooth it out and just leave it! YOU HEAR ME? Leave. It.

17. Put it in the fridge and hope it doesn’t melt or fall apart.

Thank you for joining in on today’s lesson of How To Fuck Up A Perfectly Simple Layered Cake. Hopefully you won’t have to tune in for How To Fuck Up Eggs With Ricotta And Chives, because seriously, if I fuck up scrambled eggs tonight, then there is something wrong with me.

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